I have a mothering question. It's bothering me.
Q: What do you do when another child hits, pushes, shoves, or generally behaves inconsiderately towards your child?
A: (cricket cricket)
Here's the thing: when other people's children are involved, it is my nature to take the passive track. I will rarely say anything, unless they cross the line and actually inflict real harm on Weston. But, if they push or swat at him, then my usual tactic is to just remove him from the situation as best I can. After all, I don't want to be "THAT MOM"... y'know, the one who yells at other people's kids and makes them cry. I understand that when children are in my home, they're my responsibility, and I have no problem talking to other people's kids if they're being aggressive in that setting. (More often than not, though, it's Weston acting up.)
But here's what happened this morning: I took Weston to the library for storytime, and it was going swimmingly. He was happy, and he was actually participating in the songs. It was great. Then, at the end when it was time to get a sticker, he gathered with all the other kids around the storytime lady (the typical routine). But then a little (bigger) girl shoved her way through all the kids to the front, displacing Weston in the process. It was really rude, but the worst thing about it was that her mother didn't do anything about it. Weston was really upset after that, and just wanted to go home. I persuaded him to try again to get a stricker, so we ended up waiting until all the other kids had gone, and then he cautiously approached the lady again for his sticker.
The most I could bring myself to do was give the other mother a look, which was neither effective nor meaningful. Should I have said something to the little girl? I didn't want to look like a jerk in front of all the other moms. Should I have said something to the mother? But if so, how do you do that without sounding like a jerk to her, either? Do I just need more GUTS?? Is that the answer?
Things like this have happened in the past. When another kid takes something from Weston, I'll do my best to get it back to him, because that's just wrong. But if another child just acts inconsiderately, then I usually say, "Weston, he doesn't want to share / she wasn't very nice / it's wrong to hit (whatever). Let's go over here." But again, I rarely say anything to the other kid.
So, I want to know: what would YOU have done in the storytime scenario? In fact, what do you do when things like that happen in general? Or, similarly, did another mom ever approach you or criticize you about your child, and how did that make you feel? Did another mom ever scold your child? I don't want to be too overprotective of Weston, because let's face it, he can dish it sometimes. But my dilemma is that I don't want to stand there passively while he gets pushed around, but I also don't want to overstep my boundaries in the Jungles of Motherhood.
Help me please. :-) And if you comment about this, please be honest. I know a lot of us daydream about being "THAT MOM" (the one who fiercely and relentlessly defends her child), but for my sake, tell it like it is. What do you REALLY do? And does it work?
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16 comments:
Yes - more guts.
Either that or learn to not care. It's about being proactive in order to achieve the result you feel justified in accomplishing. Malia is nearly 5, and we've experienced everything from an accidental shove to a full-on, no holds barred, punch dead in the face (not surprisingly, the latter had no parents within seeing/smelling/screaming distance).
I have learned to assess the situation as quickly as possible. In less than 3 seconds, I have to decide if it's one of 3 things:
1) an accident - simply explain to your child that the other didn't mean it and that we all make mistakes. No one deserves full-on repercussions for basic clumsiness. If that were the case, I'd be in prison.
2) typical reflex immature child behavior, one that your own child has been guilty of - again, leave it between you and your child. And then decide between one of three things: a) explain that some kids aren't nice sometimes and that we can learn that we don't want to exhibit the same behavior. b) let your kid deal on his own. You won't always be around to pick his battles. Give him a chance to toughen up. You may find that he copes in an amazing way and you can smile with pride. c) go tell the mom if too much time hasn't passed. You don't want to force them to discipline a child when the child may not even remember it anymore.
3) Outright aggressive, unacceptable behavior - YES. Get on the parent. But don't be aggressive. But DON'T use a sweet, little, passive, "Um, hello, yes?" voice either. Just straight up approach them with nothing but facts (hold back on personal vendettas that are being triggered my Mommy-protectiveness) and say (in this case, especially): "You may want to watch the aggressive behavior in your child. She just assaulted half a dozen kids in her desperate attempt for a mere sticker and that kind of behavior shouldn't really be tolerated. I don't know if you saw it, but it was really inappropriate."
And then, the rest of it is up to them. We can't force them to do what we would have done. But there's nothing wrong with proactively bringing their dumb attention to it. :)
That's my $0.02 anyway....
P.S. Wait until it's your actual friends' kids doing the assaulting and the friend does nothing. That's a whole 'nother mess.
I know I already wrote a novel, but I have a story to add:
A few weeks ago, a little boy pushed Malia off a 4 foot platform at a mall play place. I watched it from start to finish, so I'm not exaggerating. She was standing there and he literally climbed up, came up behind, and using both hands, shoved her right off the edge so hard that she somersaulted in the air on the way down, landing right on the nape of her neck.
I stood up, yelling as loudly as possible, "Are you kidding me?!!! Are you seriously kidding me?!!! Where is your mother, you awful child?!!!!" All while running over to my child, picking her up and checking for brain damage.
He had an older woman with him, either a nanny or a grandmother.
She grabbed him and took him to the other side, putting his shoes on him, and speaking to him sternly in Spanish.
I couldn't really deal with it at the time, because Malia was sobbing and I was doing everything I knew to check for a concussion or something worse. (paralysis, even... I know. Mommy paranoia).
They left before I had a chance to approach them.
I actually regret not saying more to the woman, mainly because that kind of kid will most likely do that kind of thing again if someone doesn't give them a reality check.
So, say something. You may be a positive catalyst.
Holy cow, thanks so much for posting this; I can't wait to read everyone's comments. I obviously don't have experience with this yet, and it will be nice to hear from mommies who have. This is such a tricky situation because you don't want to make it awkward every time you see this woman at the library, but you also don't want to allow bad behavior that negatively affects your child.
If I were in the situation, I can see myself making some loud comment about the rude child, but not directly addressing the child or parent . . . passive-aggressive behavior engage! So yeah, I'd love to hear some GOOD ideas for how to deal with this situation!
I never hesitate to speak directly to children. I don't yell at them or berate them or make them feel stupid. I give the child the benefit of doubt and assume it was truly an accident by a young person still learning the ropes of life or feel very sorry for the child whose parents are actually to blame and feel sorry that they don't have a mother as wonderful as I to teach them so I must take the opportunity to teach them.
In the library incident I would have quickly and sweetly said something like, "Uh oh, you need to wait your turn. Look how all these little kids are waiting so nicely for their sticker and you just pushed someone over. You are so much bigger and older, can you show all the littler kids how we wait nicely for our turn?" The truth is, it is what I would want someone to do if it was my child and I would not be angry or feel bad. In most cases the parent really is doing their best, missed the incident and will probably be more embarrassed (and grateful) than angry to see you talking to their child. There will always be some parents that will over react and freak out... their problem, not mine.
I'm also big on letting kids work out their own problems and teaching my kids how to handle situations, but Weston clearly isn't old enough to deal with every situation yet. Notice that my response to the little girl wasn't about MY kid ,or what she did to MY kid, it was simply informing her and nicely correcting her. Your child will learn from your example how to handle these things in a calm reasonable way and in a while you'll suddenly hear him say to some child "you need to wait nicely for your turn" to a bratty kid and you can smile with pride!!
Ugh. I hate this. In the case of the library kid, I probably would have just stayed silent and explained to my kid that sometimes people have a hard time taking turns, and that what she did was not very nice, and that she should apologize. If I had been right by the girl when she did it, I would say something to the girl like "Be careful, please! There are smaller kids around." I mostly wouldn't have called out the kid or parent extensively because nobody got physically injured. But yeah, it's annoying. As Weston gets older, I would try to teach him to verbalize it when he's hurt ("Hey! That hurt me!"), but that's still a bit off.
And that's usually my approach in places like the playground or whatever - I try to get my kid to take action first before I intercede. If Connor comes up to tell me that somebody is being mean or hitting, I remind him to tell the kid to stop, and that it hurts him, and then I watch verrrry carefully. If I see it happen again, and there is hitting or bodily harm, I'll happily intercede and tell the kid to knock it off and that other kids aren't for hurting. If their parent is there (and I know them), I'll just say "Hey Friend, your kid is hitting the other kids over there" and let her handle it. Even if I disagree with how severely she handles it, I recognize her right to discipline her child in that scenario. I would want the same courtesy extended to me - I think the parent knows the kid best and knows how to discipline them best. Just because you would be more (or less) harsh doesn't mean that's the right way... there could be all sorts of issues that you don't know about in regards to how that kid needs to be disciplined. But if there isn't a parent around, or I don't know who it is, I'll generally step in AFTER I've given my kid the chance to defend himself.
If there is imminent danger of serious injury (like pushing a kid off a high platform or shoving them into traffic or stealing their kidneys or something like that), I have no problem running up and telling a kid to stop. But usually hitting/spitting/kicking/biting is something that sucks, and it hurts, but I feel like my kid needs to learn to speak up for himself before I get in the middle of it.
Ugh. I hate this. In the case of the library kid, I probably would have just stayed silent and explained to my kid that sometimes people have a hard time taking turns, and that what she did was not very nice, and that she should apologize. If I had been right by the girl when she did it, I would say something to the girl like "Be careful, please! There are smaller kids around." I mostly wouldn't have called out the kid or parent extensively because nobody got physically injured. But yeah, it's annoying. As Weston gets older, I would try to teach him to verbalize it when he's hurt ("Hey! That hurt me!"), but that's still a bit off.
And that's usually my approach in places like the playground or whatever - I try to get my kid to take action first before I intercede. If Connor comes up to tell me that somebody is being mean or hitting, I remind him to tell the kid to stop, and that it hurts him, and then I watch verrrry carefully. If I see it happen again, and there is hitting or bodily harm, I'll happily intercede and tell the kid to knock it off and that other kids aren't for hurting. If their parent is there (and I know them), I'll just say "Hey Friend, your kid is hitting the other kids over there" and let her handle it. Even if I disagree with how severely she handles it, I recognize her right to discipline her child in that scenario. I would want the same courtesy extended to me - I think the parent knows the kid best and knows how to discipline them best. Just because you would be more (or less) harsh doesn't mean that's the right way... there could be all sorts of issues that you don't know about in regards to how that kid needs to be disciplined. But if there isn't a parent around, or I don't know who it is, I'll generally step in AFTER I've given my kid the chance to defend himself.
That said, if there is imminent danger of serious injury (like pushing a kid off a high platform or shoving them into traffic or stealing their kidneys or something like that), I have no problem running up and telling a kid to stop. But usually hitting/spitting/kicking/biting is something that sucks, and it hurts, but I feel like my kid needs to learn to speak up for himself before I get in the middle of it.
I'm no expert, but I wouldn't have said anything. I would've used it as a lesson in picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off even when other people are mean. The mom should've said something, but you don't really know what the situation is. Maybe the mom didn't see or maybe the girl has some sort of disability (autism or the like) that makes it really difficult to teach her about dealing with other children.
If a kid does something really dangerous and hurtful, I talk to the kid. I'd never talk to the parent. In fact, I did that once. We were at a McDonald's PlayPlace and a girl pushed Jonathan, head first, down a step, and was going to push him down another when I ran up there, scooped him up, and said sternly (but not yelling), "You do NOT push him. You do not push him." When I looked in her eyes I could see that she had down syndrome and for a millisecond I felt guilty, but then I thought, "I can tell her not to hit! It's not like I can't tell her that." Anyways, the parents weren't even in the room, but because of her disability I was really afraid that they were going to rake me over the coals. On Jonathan's birthday. Sigh.
Anyways, that's what I think. I'd only talk to my kid, and their kid in extreme situations.
Don't say anything...I know it stinks but if the childs mother is right there it isn't your place at all. That's my take on it. My biggest pet peeve is when I am standing right there in front of my child and another adult tries to parent mine right in front of me. I know it stinks but this is what I believe is the best thing to do. You did what is right in my opinion Jean!
Being the "corrected child's mother" has never been easy for me. Having said that, on more than one occasion, I have felt gratitude along with the unease as I've watched someone else reinforce the things I have been trying to teach my children as they shared with them the importance of changing their behavior. The harder/est times are usually when there is anger involved--that invokes my fight/flight responses much faster. It's much easier watching them be taught. (wishing I could put words to thoughts and feelings better)
I say that I try to stay out of it as much as possible. I tell James to tell them to stop. Usually James takes it upon himself to smack the kid right back, so then I have to pull James out and tell him we don't hit. He always replies with something about the other kid doing it first, and I have to get into how that doesn't make it ok.
That said, we were at a play place one time, and this huge kid that had to have been like nine started in on the small kids, and I went into "mommy bear mode." His parents were no where in sight, and it was one of those playthings that they have to climb up in the tunnel thing, and he almost pushed James down the entire thing and made James cry, and I did lecture the kid about how he couldn't do that, especially to little kids. I wanted to drag him out and find his mother, but I couldn't have gotten my pregnant self in the thing.
Hey Jean, I think the best thing to do would be to say something to the librarian afterwords, to start. Then if it happened again say something to the mother directly. Back in the olden days you could yell at other people's kids, but that may not be a good idea today. In any event, hopefully storytime will be more peaceful moving forward.
Okay, I'm late so I'll just say amen and booyah and holla to everyone else's comments.
Oh wow, I don't know what I would have done! I don't have much experience though. I did take my niece Lucy to the playground once and a little boy pushed past her (forcibly moving her) to get on the slide and I encouraged her to tell him that it's not nice to push and that he should give other kids a turn on the slide. When it didn't work though, I approached the child and said in a very stern voice "It's not very nice to push other kids. You should share turns on the slide and play nicely". The parent totally wasn't around and the kid just ran off and played with another playground thinger magiger. I kind of wanted to smack the kid honestly, but I think that might be wrong. LOL :)
I don't know how I'll be with Finley though. I think I'll try to get her to stick up for herself as much as possible, but if a kid is hurting her or other children, I would probably try to say something to them within earshot of the parents so they are aware it is going on and they can take it from there. Tough call though!!
Super late here, but I just wanted to add that I never say anything unless someone is getting physically hurt. Even if Alice isn't involved, I feel it's our responsibility as adults to teach kids not to hurt each other. Whether the mother is right next to me, or in another room, if someone is hurting Alice (and the mother isn't doing anything), I always say something to the child. I'm never mean or loud, but I let them know that that isn't nice (and give them a look that lets them know that I will now be watching them like a hawk). Alice can usually handle things on her own now, but when it's older kids, I always step in.
My Grandma always said that the hardest part about raising kids is OTHER PEOPLE'S kids. So true.
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