Dear Russian Dance Party

Dear Russian Dance Party,

First of all, and I know this is shamefully belated, but welcome to the neighborhood. We like you guys; or should I say, we really want to like you guys. I can’t tell you how thrilled we were when you, a friendly, normal-looking, young Russian couple, moved into the apartment above us. We really enjoyed chatting with you those two times about our miserable internet connections; we shared smiles and laughs. Because of these lighthearted interactions, we foresaw not only good neighborly relations, but potential friendships too. I must say, we were relieved and optimistic.

I hope you don’t mind if I go ahead and collectively call you “Russian Dance Party;” the moniker simply refers to the bizarre Euro-techno that, we have gathered, regularly thumps from your apartment… especially on Sunday mornings. Not that it bothers us. Whenever we hear it, we smile and comment that Russian Dance Party has started up again.

We have gathered that you are smokers. Not that it bothered us… in the beginning. But then the weather cooled down, so we finally, delightedly, shut off the A/C and pulled open the windows to enjoy the rays of sunshine and let in the fresh breeze and listen to the leaves churning in the wind. Along with this fresh breeze comes the pungent smell of your cigarettes, which you are smoking on the tiny metal balcony above our front door. While speaking Russian very loudly and feverishly into your cell phones. So just after they are opened, our windows find themselves once again shut.

We realize accidents happen. But it seems that, somehow, your cigarette butts occasionally wind up on our front steps. And once, your lighter found its little way there too. We appreciate when you pick up these items or throw them in the trash, rather than leave them at our front door. Perhaps surprisingly, we also notice when you don’t. Maybe the best solution would be to stop knocking things off your balcony. Just a suggestion.

We have also gathered that you drink. Although we are not imbibers ourselves, we recognize that drinking is a popular pastime among our peer group and would never fault you this behavior. Sure, it’s fun to line up your empty beer bottles on the precarious edge of your tiny metal balcony above our front door. One’s degree of alcoholism is always commendable and is worthy of display. It’s not so fun, however, when we’re lying in bed in the early morning, after a long night of thumping Russian Dance Party, only to hear a liquor bottle fall from your balcony and smash into a thousand pieces on our front steps. Again, we appreciate that you promptly showed up to clean up the pieces of glass, but in the future, we could recommend that you NOT DROP THINGS ON US FROM YOUR BALCONY.

Anyway, on with Russian Dance Party! We look forward to future friendly interactions with you, but we realize that friendship is pretty much out of the question at this point. If you find this to be a deplorable situation, then we would hope that you seriously consider our suggestions of COMMON COURTESY in order to remedy the matter. Thank you.

Sincerely yours,
Americans with Fuzzy-Headed Baby Who Live Downstairs